dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
