i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So much rum. So many feels.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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