I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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