my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
