So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
