I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
