Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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