thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Two words: nipple clamps
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