there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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