i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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