I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize