i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
