she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
