I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
