do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
