Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
