im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize