I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
