Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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