I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
