I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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