I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
