so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
