My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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