Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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