nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think my moral compass just broke
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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