I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
