I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Randomize
