I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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