the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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