Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
