when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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