Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
