I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I pour the whiskey from now on
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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