At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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