if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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