mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
