i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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