Please, let me fuck your mom
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
