I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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