if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Randomize
