Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
