i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize