My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
