So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I AM VODKA MAN
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
