just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
