I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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