My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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