She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
