You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
