My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
