forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
