nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
NoShamevember. You game?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
as a side note pls kill me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
