did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
