I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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