community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
