i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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