Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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