third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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