Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
