im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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