You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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