If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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